Aaron Luttenegger
Worship Leader & Songwriter
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33
I don’t share this song story lightly, or with the expectation of it being viewed as some personal victory after struggle. This story is not about me overcoming anything in my own right, because I didn’t. This is a story of submission and surrender, and of a God who paves the way for healing and victory when all we have the strength to do is kneel at His feet.
I remember driving home after the final rehearsal for our recent album, Live at the Black Box Theatre. It was early May 2019 -- the trees were just beginning to bloom, and life was returning to the world after the coldest Wisconsin winter I’d ever experienced living here in nearly eight and a half years.
As Elizabeth and I were heading home down the county road just a few minutes from our house, we were talking about the upcoming recording and how our rehearsal had just gone, but I paused for a moment as I felt this uncomfortable sensation come over me like I couldn’t breathe or catch my breath. My chest had a pressure and a flutter, like a bird trapped in my ribcage. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but being the stubborn guy I am, I said I’ll be fine — let’s just go home, I need food. After a bit the feeling didn’t subside, so late that night Elizabeth drove me down to Gundersen. Maybe it was all in my head, but I felt as if I was going to die. Air, I needed air, I couldn’t breathe. My heart felt as if it was going to beat out of my chest. We arrived at the hospital, and they wheeled me into a room for an EKG. “We don’t see any notable arrhythmia or indication of atrial fibrillation...” What?! That couldn't be, how in the world could I feel like I was dying and they couldn't find anything wrong? "You’ve likely experienced a panic attack,” they told me, “you need to relax, you’ll need to come up with ways to manage your stress better…What’s going on in your life right now?" they asked.
Well, I said:
--In 5 days I’m going to record a new album that I’ve spent the last year preparing for with countless hours of time songwriting, creating demos, and booking dates, a venue, and getting post production all in order to keep the project on schedule.
--We’re under some of the most strenuous financial hardships we’ve ever faced as a church, and I’m fearful that difficult decisions will have to be made with my staff team and friends.
--Everything in mine and Elizabeth's life seems to keep breaking and the bills are piling up.
--For the first time ever, my wife and I are going to travel 5500 miles overseas right after recording this album.
They encouraged me to manage my stress better, find an outlet, figure out how to offload stressful circumstances better, work out, etc.
That all sounds fine and dandy, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with doing any of those things, but I’m not really an anxious person -- usually I’m calm and collected. I’m a clear logical thinker, not easily overwhelmed. God, I cried out -- what is this, are you trying to tell me something? Are you asking me to slow down? I don’t understand what’s happening to me. After we wrapped Live at the Black Box Theatre, Elizabeth and I flew to Greece for a few weeks and everything "seemed" just fine. I started to think that it was “just stress” and began to move on with my life, eating healthier, getting more exercise, and just being overall more active. It seemed to help for a time.
Sometimes throughout the summer I would experience “panic attacks.” Same sensation as before: I can’t breathe, my heart is beating out of my chest, I’m dying, somethings really wrong. I think I went into the ER two more times before I had an answer. One day in August, it was just me and my dog Mozart hanging out at home. I started feeling a panic attack coming on, but this time it was different. It felt really strong, like I just needed to get up and run. My watch is also a fitness tracker, and it started to vibrate on my wrist letting me know that my heart rate was too high for not being in an active state. 201 BPM! I called the hospital and told them what was going on and they told me to come in as soon as I could. This time they performed an ultrasound and determined that I had fluid in the sack around my heart, clinically known as Pericarditis. That explains the shortness of breath, the strange chest pressure, and the panic attacks. I had been misdiagnosed with the anxiety attacks. Then they told me that it was imperative that I remain sedentary until I was cleared. No activity, no lifting heavy things, no walks with my wife around the block. Just sit and be still until you are cleared of this illness. What I had been doing to help with anxiety -- working out more, being more active -- could have killed me if I kept up. Boom, just like that, I’m benched... no physical activity whatsoever, no singing, guitar, no lifting, because it could risk putting strain on my heart, creating scar tissue and a pericardial effusion, and worst case scenario being my heart could stop beating. For all of August and most of September, I laid low, moving around like a man twice my age, easily winded by picking a dirty sock up off the floor. I wouldn’t wish any of that experience upon my greatest enemy.
So what good is a worship pastor who can’t sing? What good is a husband who can’t be handy around the house and serve his wife? These are the questions that I had to work through and process with God. Over that month or so, I found myself wrestling over a few more questions, as in this life you can start to view what you DO as your identity. I started asking God questions like what things am I doing that you never asked me to do in the first place, maybe there are some things I just assumed I’m supposed to be doing because that’s what Christians do. All along He just wanted my heart, my full undivided attention and listening ear, but I kept offering Him other things. Other excuses. So He had to get my attention. He had to slow me down and force me to lie down in green pastures like it says in the word. I'm not saying he caused this physical affliction to me necessarily, who knows, maybe I ran myself too hard, but pointing the finger doesn’t matter now -- He is certainly powerful enough to turn it into good, and use it to capture my attention again. And He did.
“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of His name.”
- Psalm 23:1-3
My anatomical heart wasn’t necessarily the issue here -- yes, I had an illness that I needed to rest in order to recover from. But it was my other heart that needed some work, the one God is always after. Heart posture is the one thing we have to offer God. It’s not performance, not status, not religion, or busywork that moves God. It’s our deepest sincere intention and heart that moves Him.
I like to think of this great sanctification process that the Lord does inside of us like renovating and restoring an old home that’s in ruin. God moves into this once vacant and decrepit home, and begins gently removing the old carpet, wallpaper, and walls. Piece by piece he rebuilds our tattered shell of a home into glory and beauty and something worth inhabiting.
God is calling us to run a marathon, not a perpetual sprint that leaves us winded and exhausted. We weren’t created to kill ourselves with busy work and performance. We are supposed to die to ourselves and follow Him, and in turn be conformed daily into the image of Christ. See, the funny thing is sometimes we make such a ruckus with all the things we think we’re doing for the Kingdom of God, that we actually can’t hear what the King is saying to us at all. That’s a place I think I found myself in that season. Like an endless cycle I have the tendency to over do it. I work myself to the bone. I can lose sight of what’s important and get my priorities way out of whack. But God is so merciful to correct the course when I inevitably end up in that place.
I actually started writing the song "Overcome" about a year or so before this all went down -- sometimes when I’m having a rough day I’ll sit down with my guitar and just sing out my frustration. Music has always been a way to release for me; for as long as I can remember I have had a friendship with music, like it runs deep in my veins. That’s how the song Overcome came to be. Sitting in my office after a frustrating morning, I started to gently pluck some chords and sing out “When the fear is crippling, my heart can only cling, my heart can only cling to You, God.” The breath inside my lungs is tired, still You’re singing over me.” I needed to remind myself of God’s patience for me, so that I could have some patience for other people in that season. And then with the heart stuff, that was certainly the place I found myself in last year when I couldn’t even catch my breath, surrendered at the feet of Jesus. It was there in that place God whispered to me “Be still, and know that I am God.” Who knew that words I wrote out of vulnerability a year prior, words and a song I was honestly a little embarrassed about sharing and had regrets about putting on the project would literally become my cry in the middle of my illness.
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
- Psalm 46:10
Overcome is a song about honest-to-God surrender, not just the notion of surrender but actually admitting and confessing that you need to submit and surrender. For me, it's about coming to the realization that I can’t even function on my own. Only Jesus has overcome and He’s the only one who will overcome. I admit that I’m a mess. I need Him daily to give me grace for myself and for other people, wisdom in uncertainty, and to constantly call me into the newness and wonder of Himself.
It’s in the stillness and quiet before the Father that we truly find ourselves. If any of this resonates with you on a heart level, the whole thing about getting lost in trying to perform and stay busy, maybe to prove your worth to God, to others, or to yourself… it’s imperative for us as a people to find enjoyment and fulfillment in simply sitting at the feet of Jesus. The core of our identity is found only in Him (I need to be reminded of this, especially in the times we are in now.) I encourage you to be still, to listen, and to ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and discernment to help remind yourself of God’s promise over your life; that He is with you, for you, and proudly singing over you.
Overcome Lyrics
written by Aaron Luttenegger © 2019 First Free Music Publishing (BMI) / All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.
When the fear is crippling my heart can only cling
Yes, my heart can only cling, to you God
The breath inside my lungs is tired
Still you’re singing over me
Still you're singing over me
Jesus steady my heart, in love
I’m lost for words and I’m undone
Only You can overcome
Only you can overcome
You lift me through the sheet of night through the stars and wonderings
Be still and trust the one who knows, the morning soon will come
Yes the morning soon will come
Jesus steady my heart, in love
I’m lost for words and I’m undone
Only You can overcome
Only you can overcome
My brokenness says no
But your promises are yes and amen
When my failure tries to speak your kindness comes to silence the blame
yes and amen
“Heart posture is the one thing we have to offer God. It’s not performance, not status, not religion, or busywork that moves God. It’s our deepest sincere intention and heart that moves Him. ”